Christian Marriage

Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral. – Hebrews 13:4

The Biblical View of Sexuality

Hebrews 13 applies the teaching of the book of Hebrews as a whole. From verses 1 through 3 we learned that we are to love our brothers and sisters in the church and the community with brotherly love, philadelphia; we are to love strangers who are coming to us in the name of the Lord from afar, with philoxenia (love of strangers); and we are to love prisoners of the Lord who cannot come to us for aid. We coined the term philodesmia (love of prisoners) to describe such love. The fourth verse now describes our duty to love our spouses in Christian marriage and gives us the biblical view of sexuality.

Human sexuality is to be expressed in the state of marriage only, and married Christians are to oppose all evils that destroy and stain marriage, such as fornication and adultery. Marriage is good and sex is good in marriage because God is the creator of both. Therefore, all who oppose marriage and sexual relations within marriage are opposing God. Satan is the destroyer of all that is good, including marriage. Therefore, God will and must judge all who destroy his institution of marriage by practicing fornication, adultery, homosexuality, and all other sexual perversions.

Hebrews 12:14 declares that God’s people must pursue holiness, without which no one shall see the Lord. Therefore, we will speak about how to have holiness in marriage. We will examine the biblical view of marriage and sex, and the judgment God promises to those who destroy marriage.

I. Marriage

The Puritan Thomas Becon defines marriage as a “high, holy, and blessed order of life, ordained not of man, but of God, . . . wherein one man and one woman are coupled and knit together in one flesh and body in the fear and love of God, by the free, loving, hearty, and good consent of them both, to the intent that they both may dwell together as one flesh and body, of one will and mind, in all honesty, virtue and godliness, and spend their lives in equal partaking of all such things as God shall send them with thanksgiving.”¹ One man and one woman freely enter into this estate. Thus, the Bible opposes polygamy and polyandry. Christian marriage is monogamous for life.

In Christian marriage a virgin man and a virgin woman pledge publicly to live together in the state of marriage. Such emphasis on virginity may be shocking to the modern world, but it is the biblical standard.

Marriage is a covenant of companionship. It is a publicly sworn promise by a man and woman to each other that brings them into a union intended to provide them with a multi-dimensional life of companionship. The Scriptural purpose of marriage is not just procreation, as Roman Catholics teach. There are several purposes: first, companionship; second, to prevent sexual immorality; and, third, procreation. The Bible says children are not a curse to be avoided through ingenious technology or aborted through murder, but a blessing and gift from God to be received with thanksgiving.

Christians should marry only true Christians (1 Cor. 7:39). Yet we are not to marry within certain degrees of affinity and consanguinity which would be incest. The problem mentioned in 1 Corinthians 5 was that a man was living with his father’s wife.

Many post-apostolic fathers taught unbiblical views of sexuality. This was also true in medieval times when the church was unduly influenced by the Greek philosophy that matter is evil. Therefore, sexual love was considered evil even in marriage. The church father Origen castrated himself before he was ordained. Tertullian said marriage and adultery are not intrinsically different. The Roman Catholic church prohibited clergy from marrying from the fifth century on and glorified virginity and celibacy. In medieval times some theologians interpreted the parable of the sower in this way: the Christian who brought forth fruit thirtyfold was compared to those who were married; the one who was fruitful sixtyfold was compared to those who were widowed; and the Christian who brought forth fruit one hundredfold was compared to those who practiced celibacy and virginity. Ambrose taught that married people ought to blush at the state in which they are living, so the church prohibited sex for married people for up to five days in a week. Theologian Erasmus praised those married couples who lived without sex. Bishop Gregory of Nyssa claimed that Adam and Eve had originally been created without sexual desire.

But the biblical view of marriage and sexuality opposes these nonsensical ideas of the church and churchmen. Paul praises and commands bishops to be the husbands of but one wife (1 Tim. 3:2; Titus 1:6). He teaches that in marriage, sexual relations are ongoing debts to be paid (1 Cor. 7:3-5). Because each one’s body belongs to the other, one partner cannot “deprive [the] other, except by mutual consent and for a time” (v. 5). For example, a man cannot just go away on a trip without permission from his wife, nor can a wife go without permission from her husband. Each spouse has veto power, according to the Bible. Owe no man anything (Rom. 13:8), including one’s sexual obligation to one’s spouse.

God says it is not good for man to be alone, so he created woman as his crowning act of creation (Gen. 2:18, 21-23), and instituted and solemnized marriage in paradise. Marriage is not an evolutionary idea, invented by clever men. God is the author of it, and he created man, male and female, for this purpose. “Man,” says A. W. Pink, “is advantaged by having a wife,” and I say a wise wife.² It is a great blessing till death. If marriage is not sweet, it is because of our sin. God hates divorce and opposes it (Mal. 2:16). Divorce is permitted for only two reasons, adultery and desertion, both of which destroy the covenant between husband and wife.

Except for salvation, marriage is the most momentous and precious of earthly events in our lives. Pink declares, “Far, far better to remain single unto the end of our days, than to enter into the marriage state without the Divine benediction upon it.”³ Before we marry, we must seek the mind and will of God most earnestly.

God the Father honored marriage by creating man and woman and performing the first marriage-that of Adam and Eve in paradise. Jesus honored marriage. He was born of the virgin Mary and performed the miracle of turning water into wine at the wedding in Cana. He spoke of great marriage feasts in his parables. The Holy Spirit honors marriage by revealing that Christian marriage reflects the marriage of Christ and the church (Eph. 5:22-33), and by depicting the church as the bride and the wife of the Lamb (Rev. 21:9).

Choosing a mate is of supreme importance for Christian marriage. We should pay attention to the following considerations:

1. The prospective spouse should be a true Christian, born of God, not someone who is a Christian only in word but not in life.
2. Do not just look for a pretty face. God does not look at the outward appearance. Man looks at the outward appearance; God looks at the heart.
3. Do not just look for someone who has material riches
4. Do not just look at a person’s social position.
5. Do not focus only on whether a person is highly educated or professional.
6. Look for someone who is industrious, sufficiently intelligent, and above all, a servant.
7. Look for someone of good character. The book of Proverbs gives much instruction on the ideal character of a Christian wife. A woman should look for the same characteristics in a husband: “A wife of noble character is her husband’s crown, but a disgraceful wife is like decay in his bones . . . He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord. . . . Houses and wealth are inherited from parents, but a prudent wife is from the Lord. . . . A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies” (Prov. 12:4; 18:2; 19:14; 31:10). When you look for a spouse, look for a person of heart beauty: “Your beauty should not come from outward adornment such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight” (1 Pet. 3:3-4).
8. He or she should be a person of good reputation, not notorious for open sin.
9. He or she should be a person of good speech: “Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaketh” (Matt. 12:34, KJV). He or she should be a person who edifies others by speaking wisdom from the word of God.
10. He or she should be a person who is modest in dress, not a vain person.
11. He or she should have godly friends; we can tell much about people by the company they keep.
12. Finally, he or she should be a person of humble countenance (Is. 3:9).

In Christian marriage, all our attitudes and actions must be regulated by Christ’s holy, sacrificial, and enduring love. There is the loving and wise leadership of the husband, depicting Christ’s love for the church, and the loving and respectful submission of the wife, depicting the church’s love for Christ. If we do not follow this pattern, there will be serious consequences. Pink writes, “When the wife refuses to submit to the husband, the children are sure to defy their parents-sow the wind, reap the whirlwind.”⁴

Since Christians are saved sinners, there is no perfection possible in marriage here on earth. Therefore we must be patient with each other, forgive and overlook sins, and pray for more divine love. Above all, we must keep our eyes on the cross, and our problems shall be solved. One Puritan declared, “Look not for perfection in your [marriage]. God reserves that for another state where marriage is not needed.”⁵

The first word in verse 4 in the Greek is timios, which means precious or honorable. Marriage should be held as precious and honorable. It is a command. God sees marriage as precious. Not only did he author it, but he honors it. Timios is used for precious stones, precious jewels, the precious blood of Christ, and the precious promises of God in his word. It is also used for “honor” (see Acts 5:34 where Rabbi Gamaliel was honored by all people). Yet the word is used more often to mean precious or costly. In other words, marriage is to be seen as something most precious, as something to be valued highly. One could say that married people are enriched highly. Marriage is like a very precious Ming-dynasty vase that we must handle carefully. Do not break it or lose it through carelessness, self-centeredness, or an unforgiving attitude.

Divorce destroys this very precious commodity called marriage. Therefore, we must do everything every day to promote marriage. Love one another, pray for one another, serve one another, forgive one another, communicate with one another, and do all things together. Love those things that promote marriage and hate all that seek to destroy it. Always thank God for enriching you with your God-chosen spouse. If you are single, it is proper to pray that God will enrich you in the future by bringing you into this precious and honorable estate of marriage.

The post-apostolic fathers despised marriage and the medieval church dishonored marriage, but the text says marriage should be honored by all. Therefore, the Roman Catholic church should honor marriage and permit her priests to marry. Asceticism is not superior to marriage, and marriage is not defiling; in fact, asceticism often leads to defilement. We also must note that Christ’s relation to the church is illustrated, not by asceticism, but by the state of marriage. Therefore, to dishonor marriage is to sin against God who instituted it.

Marriage should be promoted by the church and state, and laws should promote marriage, not destroy it. In all circumstances, whether in sickness, in poverty, in old age, in middle age, when one is away or when one is home, marriage is to be honored and valued, for this is the will of God.

2. Sexual Relations in Marriage

The second imperative in Hebrews 13:4 is that the marriage bed is to be kept unstained, pure, undefiled. Sex is God’s creation, and all that God has created is good. The Bible teaches us that sex is to be enjoyed within marriage only. Virgins are to marry and enjoy sexual relations in the covenant of marriage. Our bodies belong to God and we are to use them for God’s purposes. Both single and married people are to take care of their bodies, for our bodies are a trust from God to us. As stewards, we have no authority to abuse our bodies, whether through obesity or anorexia or by engaging in fornication. It is the job of single people to preserve their bodies in purity and holiness for their future spouses. (PGM) Any sexual relationship outside of marriage is a sin against God, against one’s future spouses, and against oneself.

Sexual relations in marriage are not defiling, but edifying and God-glorifying. In marriage, sexual relations are an ongoing obligation of each spouse. So Paul exhorts married people not to defraud each other. Having entered into a covenant of marriage, we must be diligent to pay up our debts (1 Cor. 7). Failure to do this may bring about sexual immorality.

Yet there have been people in the history of Christianity who taught that married couples should abstain from sexual relations so they could live more holy lives. For instance, Montanists emphasized virginity as part of a state of perfection. But such teaching is of the devil, and Paul writes that those who forbid marriage are heretics (1 Tim. 4:1-3). The Hebrews writer says, “Let the marriage bed be kept pure,” not by refraining from sexual relations in marriage, but by promiscuity and marital unfaithfulness. Thus, Ambrose was terribly wrong when he said that married people ought to blush at the state in which they are living. No, they ought to rejoice and praise the Lord for his gift of sexuality to be exercised in marriage. Erasmus was terribly wrong when he praised a married couple living without sexual relations. The Roman Catholic church is terribly wrong when it prevents clergy from marrying. The medieval church was terribly wrong when it prohibited sex for married people up to five days a week. Such problems occur when we rely, not on the Bible, but on human philosophy.

Plutarch uses the words miainêin tên koitên (“marriage bed undefiled”) to refer to violations of conjugal relations. It is for such a sin that Reuben, Jacob’s son, lost his preeminence as firstborn son: “Reuben, you are my firstborn, my might, the first sign of my strength, excelling in honor, excelling in power. Turbulent as the waters, you will no longer excel, for you went up onto your father’s bed, onto my couch and defiled it” (Gen. 49:3-4; see also Gen. 35:22)

3. God’s Judgment

Because God honors marriage, he will also judge all who oppose it: “For God will judge all fornicators and adulterers.” This gives the reason for the previous directives. If we do anything that violates the sanctity of marriage, God will punish us. Marriage is a closed system-closed to a third party, whether man, woman, or beast.

The Greeks were very permissive. They did not have a closed system in marriage; they had wives, concubines, and prostitutes. But that is not biblical marriage. God will judge all who destroy marriage. That is why we read: “What . . . God has joined together, let not man put asunder” (Matt. 19:6, KJV). If people destroy a marriage, neither the church nor the family nor the judge nor the community nor the state may punish the guilty party, but God, who sees all things, surely will. He shall punish such people in this life and in the life to come on the last day.

Even in this life we experience great problems when marriages are destroyed. There are sexually transmitted diseases, emotional disturbances, economic deprivations, damaged children, and generational troubles. When we violate God’s prohibition against adultery, we sin against God and our spouse.

God will judge those who dishonor him. About the man who was living with his father’s wife, Paul directs, “Hand him over to Satan that his flesh may be destroyed” (1 Cor. 5:5). To those who were not properly partaking of the Lord’s Supper, he writes, “That is why many of you are weak and sick, and a number of you have fallen asleep” (1 Cor. 11:30).

Fornication is sexual immorality outside of God’s institution of marriage, and God will judge all fornicators. So Paul exhorts, “Flee from sexual immorality” (1 Cor. 6:18). We must flee, as Joseph did in Egypt, telling Potiphar’s wife, “How can I do this wicked thing and sin against God? God is watching me.” The writer says in Hebrews 12:16, “See that no one is sexually immoral.”

Christian singles are to keep their bodies in purity for their future spouses. If you fornicate, you defile your body and incur divine judgment, and when you marry, you bring defilement into your marriage. This can bring about sexual frustration and unhappiness. The biblical counsel, therefore, is be a virgin before marriage and practice fidelity in marriage.

God will also judge all adulterers. Adultery is sexual immorality within marriage by engaging in sex in violation of marriage covenant. That is what David did, and he was severely punished. God is watching and he will punish. In Hebrews 13:4 there is emphasis in the Greek text on the word “God” because it appears last. People may not judge, but God himself will surely judge, because all sin is against God. The writer emphasized this idea of God as judge throughout his epistle: “Just as man is destined to die once, and after that to face judgment. . . . Since that time he waits for his enemies to be made his footstool. . . . “For we know him who said, ‘It is mine to avenge; I will repay,’ and again, ‘The Lord will judge his people.’ It is a dreadful thing to fall into the hands of the living God . . . “for our ‘God is a consuming fire'” (Heb. 9:27; 10:13, 30-31; 12:29).

Paul speaks about God’s judgment: “Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God” (1 Cor. 6:9-10; see also Ephesians 5:6; Col. 3:5-6). John tells us where such people end up: “Outside are . . . the sexually immoral” (Rev. 22:15).

God will judge us now and on the last day at the final judgment. All shall be summoned and all shall appear. Those who practiced these sins and did not repent shall be judged and sent to hell.

A Wonderful Conclusion

Christians, do not conform to the standards of this world, but be counter-cultural, standing against the corrupt culture of this world. Be different: we are the light of the world and the salt of the earth.

Today’s sexual culture is a stinking, open sewer in which anything goes, whether pornography, phone sex, or dalliances on the Internet. Virginity is despised, adultery is glorified, fornication is exciting, homosexuality is taught in grade school as something desirable, marriage is despised and spoken against, motherhood is vilified, lesbianism is promoted, men are belittled, divorce is easy and normal, incest is okay, sex with minors is stimulating, bestiality is fun, and extra-marital affairs are spicy.

Jesus had a different standard: “If you look at a woman lusting after her, you have committed adultery in your heart”? Modern man may mock God and his standard, but God’s judgment has come and is surely coming. The text says God will surely judge.

Yet there is a wonderful conclusion that gives us good hope. There is good news for all fornicators, adulterers, homosexuals, and all sinners of all types. Jesus Christ, our great high priest, offered a bloody sacrifice that cleanses people from all their sins. In Hebrews 1:3 we read, “The Son is the radiance of God’s glory and the exact representation of his being, sustaining all things by his powerful word. After he had provided purification for sins, he sat down at the right hand of the Majesty in heaven.” We also read, “So Christ was sacrificed once to take away the sins of many people. . . . But when this priest had offered for all time one sacrifice for sins, he sat down at the right hand of God” (Heb. 9:28; 10:12). In Hebrews 8:12 God graciously proclaims: “For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more.” Paul writes,

Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God. (1 Cor. 6:9-11)

What must we do to be saved? Repent truly, confess wholly, and believe savingly on this Jesus Christ, who provided purification for sins by his once-for-all- sacrifice. Confess him as your Lord and live as his obedient servants. God himself makes us a new creation. God takes dirty, rotten sinners and makes them virgins, holy and undefiled, as pure as fresh snow.

I was gloriously surprised the other day when I read what God says to his stinking, wretched, sinful people in Jeremiah 31: “I will build you up again, and you will be rebuilt, O Virgin Israel” (Jer. 31:4). God can cleanse all our sins and make us pure virgins. We see the same adjective used in verse 21: “Set up road signs, put up guide posts, take note of the highway, the road that you take. Return, O Virgin Israel.” Read Isaiah 1:18 and glory in what God is saying: “Come, now, let us reason together, says the Lord. Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow. Though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool.”

Our God turns Rahabs into virgins. He cleanses us from all our sins and makes us brand-new through the power of the blood of Christ. Are you having troubles in your marriage? It is because of your sins. But repent, confess, and forsake, and he will forgive your sins and create your marriage new and exciting. He will pour out a mighty stream of divine love into your marriage so that once again it will reflect Christ’s love for the church. “But if you walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son purifies us from all sin. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:7-9).

Christ is cleansing his people thoroughly. Paul writes, “Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless” (Eph. 5:25-27). He makes us sparkle like precious jewels, which we are, by the blood of Jesus Christ. Praise be to God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Ghost for his great plan of salvation!

¹ Thomas Becon, quoted by Leland Ryken in Worldly Saints: The Puritans As They Really Were, (Grand Rapids: Zondervan Publishing House, 1986), 49.

¹ A. W. Pink, An Exposition of Hebrews (Grand Rapids: Baker Book House, 2004), 1124.

² Ibid., 1125.

³ Ibid., 1132.

⁴ Ryken, 51.